Daily Archives: February 18, 2010

A Million Year Snooze

The year is 2026. The place is Bangalore. And the cows are still around.

No, the world didn’t end in 2012. The Mayans seemed to have been bluffing. The researchers headed to the nearest bar in Dismay and the scientists went back to the Large Hedron Collider in France. A second, closer, less panicky inspection of the Mayan calendar revealed fascinating etchings of nude Mayan playmates.

Michael Bay, on the other hand, released his third Transformer movie — in 3D, of course. And just when he melted the Eiffel Tower and the Taj Mahal and tried to form a new Transformer from the resultant amalgam, a cell phone battery exploded on someone’s face. It was one of those really unlikely coincidences. And that was the closest we came to the end of world in 2012.

For the curious; no one was hurt in the cell phone battery explosion. The government had released a Public Welfare Drive, educating people about the various benefits of wearing microwave-shielded helmets while on the phone.

For the even more curious; the new Transformer was called Taj Tower and became a Mallu restaurant in Church Street.

But the year we should note, is 2022. Except of course 2020, when Lalit Modi unleashed a saga of Twenty20 matches. It was then shifted to Dehradun because of threats by the LeT Under-13 group. Dehradun, by that time, was a separate country run by hippies. They frankly got tired of all the firing and jumping around and excessive male bonding.

The year 2022 was important, because that was the year science decided to pull a quick one on itself. All the progress in telecommunication, smaller processor size and the abolition of paid porn sites on the internet was shown the door in what was to be humanity’s best and worst discovery. Telepathy.

The secret was after all in rubbing stones together. A trick mankind had failed to interpret correctly, causing a million of years of stunted progress.

The trick of telepathy was first performed by a pony in Netherland. It involved rubbing two stones marked A & B in a particular order. The order was:

Up. Up. Down. Down. Left. Right. Left. Right. Hit Stone B with A. Hit Stone A with B.

Konami, an almost defunct company in Japan called for copyright infringement and lost.

The first ever telepathic message a human being received through this startling new medium was, “Hay!”

That story hit the front page on Reddit and the next day on Digg. Its popularity was blemished slightly by accusations of ‘Photoshopped!’ by few commentators on those boards.

But the US quickly capitalised on this new technology by sending their troops to Netherland. A few of them landed in Holland and was about to retreat when a drunk goat told them it was the same place.

The US President made a public announcement to the citizens to unite in this coming of a new communication medium. However, it had long been proven that the only thing that really united Americans was a constant state of clinical paranoia.

The troops, though, couldn’t force Mr. Brinkerhoff to sell the pony.

“That is MY pony and my girls really love that pony.”

“But Mr. Brinkerhoff. It is a question of world peace,” Sgt. Fisher tried to convince.

Now, for a short aside on the question of world peace. After numerous attempts at cracking an answer to the question of world peace, it was finally solved. Quite unsurprisingly, in a Miss World pageant. It was answered by Miss Jamaica in the year 2017. And the answer was:

“Hmm… Can we discuss something else?”

“Schmatz to world peace. Pha!” Mr. Brinkerhoff continued. “I am not selling the pony at any cost.”

“I am sorry you don’t leave us any option other than to invade you.”

“Invade me? Isn’t that a bit hasty?”

“But that is our protocol.”

“I have stones. I will retaliate.”

“By any chance, do you happen to have vast reserves of oil underneath those stones?”

“I don’t think so.”

“In that case, Mr. Brinkerhoff, you leave us no option other than to bargain for your pony.”

“It’s a very healthy pony, ye know. It will cost a lot.”

Sgt. Fisher didn’t have an immediate response to that. What he did have was a live connection to all the world leaders who were waiting online, listening to classic Britney Spears songs from the 90’s.

“So how much is he asking for?” asked the Tahitian world leader.

“I didn’t ask him that,” replied Sgt. Fisher.

“Then how are we supposed to bargain?” Mr. Uthamankutty from India quickly pointed out.

“Why don’t we set a bail out price for the pony and just bail it the heck outta there?” quipped Palin from the USA.

And that was it. The conference finally decided on a bail out figure of 7 billion dollars for the pony.

Mr. Brinkerhoff accepted the offer at the first go.

Since then, many stones had been rubbed together. Hippies claimed they always knew about getting stoned and decided to stick to hash.

And now; even as the American President made telepathic love to a housekeeper in Raj Bhavan, Bhaskar stood under the Metro railway track in MG Road, Bangalore and tried to conjure up a Banyan tree.



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